I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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