My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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