ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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