i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My vagina just clenched in fear
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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