Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
