Will you blow on my dice?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
