I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
