you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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