I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
