Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's never too late to be topless.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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