i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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