I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
