Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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