You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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