Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
