seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
