We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
