Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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