My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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