So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
