Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
