Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
