His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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