I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
And then my night got REAL pukey
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
