Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
NoShamevember. You game?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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