Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
