Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
