i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize