why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
