I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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