Screwed.edu
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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