Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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