my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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