JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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