...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
