You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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