Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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