3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
