On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
