the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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