i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
