I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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