my phone needs a breathalizer
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
