after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
