I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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