she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Randomize
