i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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