his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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