I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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