Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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