Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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