I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I need to calm my uterus...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize