I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
