I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
