Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
