Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
