You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize