I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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