There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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