I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Randomize
