If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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